i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
