hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
