i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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