Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
