In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
