I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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