"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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