She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
