I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
