Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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