My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
