Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
