she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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