When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
