Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
