3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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