i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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