I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
