Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize