she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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