Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
