After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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