i already hear my dad disowning me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize