u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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