my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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