i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
