Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
