Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
is it fun? or sober?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
