Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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