I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
