She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
