I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
