I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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