so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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