I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
