I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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