listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
