I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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