Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Damn victory sex feels great
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