Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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