1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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