good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
