My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
