Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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