I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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