and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
