Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
