just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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