If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
