ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
