There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
