Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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