New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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