ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
