dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
