I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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