my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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