yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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