I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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