Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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