Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
