also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
