He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
