Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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